So far I’ve shared a couple of really good recipes with you ungrateful swine. But I’ve been reluctant to unleash some of my “all-star” recipes out of fear that your kindergarten taste buds couldn’t handle them. However, it’s clear that you scumbags need all the help you can get. Your sandwiches are pedestrian, your stir-fries are uninspired, and your casseroles aren’t fit for a dog.
Instead of making Manitoba Round Steak (AKA: Fried Bologna) for the thousandth time, why don’t you try something a little different? Goddamn your monotonous meals have me “fit to be Thai’ed.” So, pay attention you gastronomically challenged chumps, we’re making Tom Kha Gai.
I probably didn’t even try Thai fare until I was in my twenties. As far as I knew, “Thailand” was a fictional world where everyone wore nicely appointed cravats. I was a confused little boy. Shut up.
But I’ve come to learn that Thai food is the best food. And it all starts with the soup. The soup I’m about to show you how to make is so freaking good you will want to make vats of the stuff so you can bath in it. It’s like nothing you’ve ever tasted. This is real soup.
I get it, you think you know soup. Maybe on occasion you’ve been too tired to cook real food so you’ve heated up a can of Campbell’s chicken noodle and slurped it down while reflecting upon how you’ve become the most tragic human being on Earth. YOU DON’T KNOW SOUP!
Here’s the deal with soup. It doesn’t come from a can. It comes from your HEART – and it remains to be seen whether any of you pukes have a big enough heart to make a decent bowl of the stuff. I guess we’re about to find out.
Get this stuff:
Now start by making a flavourful broth. Get about 6 cups of chicken stock going.
While that’s boiling, prep two stalks of lemongrass. If you can’t find lemongrass at your grocery store, I don’t know what to tell you other than your grocery store is terrible. Remove the tough outer sheath, smash it with your chef’s knife to release the flavour, and cut it into shorter pieces.
Cut the tops off of a few Thai chilis (if you’re not willing to sweat when you eat this soup, you are a disgrace).
Grate the rind off a lime.
Add all that stuff into the chicken stock along with about a teaspoon of ginger and the juice of half of the lime. Let those flavours meld. For the next 10 minutes, you can steep in your own jealously that these ingredients are doing more commingling than you have experienced in your entire social life.
Add a tablespoon of Thai red curry paste, just to “dick-punch it up a smidgen” (that’s my new trademark catchphrase).
Strain that broth, moron.
Slice up two chicken breasts and add it to the strained broth.
Now, normally I’d be dead set against this because I think cooked mushrooms taste like chewy bites of hatred, but I’m going to advise that you add some slices of chopped mushroom tops. I find Japanese mushrooms to be less offensive than other kinds. Sure, call me a hypocrite, I don’t give a shiitake.
Add a few more Thai chilis.
Twenty more minutes. Oh, your tummy is growling? Suck it up. Eat a cracker. If you’re bored, occasionally skim the fat off the top of the pot.
Add a tablespoon of fish sauce.
Add a can of coconut milk.
Add a teaspoon of sugar to dick-punch it up a smidgen ®.
A couple of more minutes of stirring and it’s ready.
If you’re looking for a heartier meal, steam some rice and dump it in there. Sprinkle some fresh chopped cilantro over top. If you’re one of those freaks who has a cilantro taste aversion, you MAY NOT forgo the cilantro. I don’t care that you’ve come this far – give the soup away to a someone who isn’t a mutant. There might be a Pop Tart lying around in your pantry – eat that you weirdo.
Tell your taste buds to call me from heaven.
Nutritional information: Very nutritious.
Serves: Normal people just fine, thank you.
Rating: 5 out of 5 stars.