“I’m hungry. There’s nothing to eat!”
How many times have you heard that obnoxious refrain from the repulsive goblins that inhabit your home? Probably a lot because you people are such wimps.
First of all, you don’t know what hungry is. There are people starving in the world and just because you don’t feel like heating up some oatmeal that’s been sitting in your pantry for three years doesn’t mean “there’s nothing to eat.” Have some perspective you ungrateful hump.
Now, I get it. Oatmeal is terrible, even when it’s made with steel-cut oats. By the way, is there any name for a food that over-promises and under-delivers more than “steel-cut oats”? It sounds badass but they’re just oats. Porridge is porridge, no matter what you call it — you still need to dump a metric butt-tonne of brown sugar on it to make it palatable. But as an 8-year-old, if my mom asked me if I wanted a bowl of Pro-Stars or “steel-cut oats” for breakfast, I would’ve shouted “bring on the steel-cut oats!” thinking that they would allow me to cut steel with my mind or something. I was a confused little boy. Shut up.
Speaking of Pro Stars, what was up with Pro Stars?
So much gold here: The feathered-hair/mullet combo, the precise instructions regarding the proper amount of cereal and milk to pour, the claim that eating it with milk is a good source of protein (not unlike, oh, EVERY other cereal), the unabashed assertion that it is sweetened with Aspartame which would have modern day granola parents calling for Gretzky’s public flogging for promoting carcinogenic foodstuffs, and the borderline creepy repeated references to “mom.” Why is he so concerned about what his mother thinks of his breakfast habits? Did the Great One have mommy issues? And to top it off, they made a damn cartoon based on this cereal. The 80s. It was a different time.
Alright, enough tangents. I was saying that you’re always complaining that there’s nothing to eat. You’re a liar. There’s something to eat. Your household should have a constant supply of the following 4 things: onions, peppers, chicken embryos (i.e., eggs), and dead animal. The onions and peppers can sit in your fridge for weeks without going bad. There’s no excuse for not having eggs. And meat can be frozen. Have a little foresight and load up on this stuff. Stop filling up your grocery cart with bean sprouts which have a shelf life of about a week BEFORE they showed up in the produce section (every time I buy bean sprouts they turn to a bag of slime by the time I get to the checkout line).
If you have those 4 food items, you can make a lot of meals. Today we’re using it to make frittata, which is Italian for “shut your ugly face and do what I tell you.” The beauty of a frittata is that it’s quick, it’s easy, and it works as any meal of the day. Gretzky’s mom would certainly approve.
First, the meat. You can get creative and cook any kind of meat but because you are incapable of thinking outside the box, I’ll tell you to use sausage. You can use any kind of sausage but chorizo makes a dandy frittata. Remove the casing from about 3 chorizo sausage links, throw it in the pan, and cook it while breaking it into pieces. Transfer the cooked sausage to a paper towel-lined bowl to soak up excess fat.
Meanwhile, heat some oil in a separate skillet (make sure it’s a metal skillet because you’re going to be putting it in the oven and I know that if I didn’t tell you, you’d be putting a frying pan with a plastic handle in there like a dumbass). Fry a chopped onion, a chopped red pepper, and a couple of crushed cloves of garlic. Preheat your oven to broil.
After about 5 minutes of cooking the veggies add about half a cup salsa to dick-punch it up a smidgen ®. I understand that salsa wasn’t one of the 4 staples I mentioned earlier, but we’re improvising here. Don’t be THAT guy.
Add the sausage to the pan and stir everything together into an even layer.
Scramble about 8 eggs and pour it over the layer of veggie and sausage mixture.
Cover it and let it cook on low until the eggs set (about 8 minutes).
Because your life is shockingly milquetoast, let’s live a little and add some grated cheese on top.
Throw that sumbitch in the preheated oven and cook for another 3 minutes or so until the cheese is melted and starts to brown.
Look at that beautiful bastard.
Cut it into wedges and enjoy the hell out of it.
Nutritional information: a wedge of frittata with 4 oz. of milk is a good source of protein
Serves: If you like eating frittata, and don’t want oatmeal again / If you’re not into yogurt, I think you’re stupid and plain.
Rating: 5 stars out of 5 stars.