Belligerent Recipes #5: Willy Cheesesteaks

Your sammies are weak, son! That’s what I would tell you if I called sandwiches “sammies” and if you were my biological or adopted boychild. But I don’t and you aren’t, so I’ll say this: YOUR SANDWICHES ARE AN ASSAULT ON HUMANITY!

Your peanut butter and jelly? Bitch, please.

Your turkey club? It ain’t a club if nobody wants to join in.

Your meatball hero? This is far too easy but you’ve forced my hand – more like meatball ZERO!!!!!

I mean, your sandwich artistry is so pathetic, John Montagu is rolling over in his grave (I’ll wait while you Wikipedia that). You’re poisoning everyone with your subs, your Monte Cristos, your Cubans, and your French dips. STOP. Now that you’ve been appropriately shamed, here’s what you’re going to do to achieve sandwich redemption.

Buy this stuff.

IMG_1435

Slice an onion and start cooking it on low in some oil.

IMG_1437 IMG_1438

Get some beef. Might as well use a cheap cut because we’re going to cook the ever-loving shit out this stuff. Slice it up into strips.

IMG_1439 IMG_1441

Start on your cheese sauce. Melt some butter in a pot and add in a tablespoon of flour.

IMG_1443 IMG_1447

Stir that for a few minutes and then whisk in some milk. Stir for about 5 minutes until it thickens.

IMG_1449 IMG_1455

Meanwhile, chop up a red pepper and add it to the sliced onion which should be sweating like 13-year-old me at a junior high sock hop as the opening bars of “November Rain” play and I frantically search the gymnasium for a girl to ask for a slow dance.

IMG_1453

Return your attention to the cheese sauce. Once the roux has thickened, take it off the heat and add a bunch of grated provolone cheese and parmesan.

IMG_1460

Now, I’m not going to lie, this time my cheese sauce broke. It broke like my parents’ commemorative ceramic bell that my cousin Rich and I accidentally broke with a Nerf ball when we were about 10 years old and then meticulously crazy glued together, put back on the shelf, pretended like nothing happened, and never told anyone until this very moment.

twins

That’s how much my sauce broke. But it’s okay – just like that ceramic bell, no one will notice if you act as if nothing’s wrong and you cover up your mistake. I dumped out the excess liquid and I was left with a perfectly acceptable cheese spread. Maybe that bell never again clanged properly but from a distance it looked fine. It’s fine. Don’t worry about it. It’s fine.

IMG_1466

Alright, keep cooking those onions and peppers. We’re caramelizing those sumbitches.

IMG_1470

Preheat your oven to broil. Now throw the beef strips in a pan and brown them. Drain the excess liquid and dick-punch it up a smidgen ® by throwing in some maw-fuggin’ BBQ sauce (I use “Bull’s Eye Original Bold” – for you, I recommend “Missed-the-Mark Unoriginal Meek” brand BBQ sauce if you can find it).

IMG_1473IMG_1475

Let’s work on the bun. For God’s sake don’t bring out the Wonder Bread for this sandwich. I will karate chop your brain if you use anything but a baguette.

IMG_1442

Cut that shizz open and now you’re going to lubricate it a bit with some garlic mayonnaise. I swear if I have to explain how to make garlic mayo I’m going to come over there and kung fu punch your spleen.

IMG_1458 IMG_1471

Alright, it’s time to assemble these beautiful bastards. Grab some aluminum foil and place the buns on them. Put the beef on the bun. Put the peppers and onions on top.

IMG_1477IMG_1480

Spoon some of that cheese over top. Slide it under the broiler for a couple of minutes until the cheese starts to brown. Don’t burn it you dumbass.

IMG_1482IMG_1486

Serve with No Name brand all-dressed potato chips because those are the straight up tits.

IMG_1487

Nutritional information: Let’s be honest, every bite is at least a month off your life.

Serves: Jared from Subway.

Rating: 5 stars out of 5 stars.

stars

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Belligerent Recipes #5: Willy Cheesesteaks

  1. Pingback: Belligerent Recipes #7: Cauliflower Pizza | The Smoked Mackerel Chronicles

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s