Your sammies are weak, son! That’s what I would tell you if I called sandwiches “sammies” and if you were my biological or adopted boychild. But I don’t and you aren’t, so I’ll say this: YOUR SANDWICHES ARE AN ASSAULT ON HUMANITY!
Your peanut butter and jelly? Bitch, please.
Your turkey club? It ain’t a club if nobody wants to join in.
Your meatball hero? This is far too easy but you’ve forced my hand – more like meatball ZERO!!!!!
I mean, your sandwich artistry is so pathetic, John Montagu is rolling over in his grave (I’ll wait while you Wikipedia that). You’re poisoning everyone with your subs, your Monte Cristos, your Cubans, and your French dips. STOP. Now that you’ve been appropriately shamed, here’s what you’re going to do to achieve sandwich redemption.
Buy this stuff.
Slice an onion and start cooking it on low in some oil.
Get some beef. Might as well use a cheap cut because we’re going to cook the ever-loving shit out this stuff. Slice it up into strips.
Start on your cheese sauce. Melt some butter in a pot and add in a tablespoon of flour.
Stir that for a few minutes and then whisk in some milk. Stir for about 5 minutes until it thickens.
Meanwhile, chop up a red pepper and add it to the sliced onion which should be sweating like 13-year-old me at a junior high sock hop as the opening bars of “November Rain” play and I frantically search the gymnasium for a girl to ask for a slow dance.
Return your attention to the cheese sauce. Once the roux has thickened, take it off the heat and add a bunch of grated provolone cheese and parmesan.
Now, I’m not going to lie, this time my cheese sauce broke. It broke like my parents’ commemorative ceramic bell that my cousin Rich and I accidentally broke with a Nerf ball when we were about 10 years old and then meticulously crazy glued together, put back on the shelf, pretended like nothing happened, and never told anyone until this very moment.
That’s how much my sauce broke. But it’s okay – just like that ceramic bell, no one will notice if you act as if nothing’s wrong and you cover up your mistake. I dumped out the excess liquid and I was left with a perfectly acceptable cheese spread. Maybe that bell never again clanged properly but from a distance it looked fine. It’s fine. Don’t worry about it. It’s fine.
Alright, keep cooking those onions and peppers. We’re caramelizing those sumbitches.
Preheat your oven to broil. Now throw the beef strips in a pan and brown them. Drain the excess liquid and dick-punch it up a smidgen ® by throwing in some maw-fuggin’ BBQ sauce (I use “Bull’s Eye Original Bold” – for you, I recommend “Missed-the-Mark Unoriginal Meek” brand BBQ sauce if you can find it).
Let’s work on the bun. For God’s sake don’t bring out the Wonder Bread for this sandwich. I will karate chop your brain if you use anything but a baguette.
Cut that shizz open and now you’re going to lubricate it a bit with some garlic mayonnaise. I swear if I have to explain how to make garlic mayo I’m going to come over there and kung fu punch your spleen.
Alright, it’s time to assemble these beautiful bastards. Grab some aluminum foil and place the buns on them. Put the beef on the bun. Put the peppers and onions on top.
Spoon some of that cheese over top. Slide it under the broiler for a couple of minutes until the cheese starts to brown. Don’t burn it you dumbass.
Serve with No Name brand all-dressed potato chips because those are the straight up tits.
Nutritional information: Let’s be honest, every bite is at least a month off your life.
Serves: Jared from Subway.
Rating: 5 stars out of 5 stars.