So my inbox blew up yesterday with my fans clamouring for another installment of Belligerent Recipes. If you’re not familiar with this series, I reveal the secrets to making my award-winning dishes to you, the reader, FOR FREE. The only catch is that you have to endure my vitriol while I do it. Some folks do their best cooking while they’re in a good mood. I create food magic while I’m pissed off. I’m going to use foul language, I’m going to belittle you, and you’re going to like it. Because when it’s all over you’re going to stuff some tasty morsels into that disgusting soup cooler you call a mouth. So listen up you overly sensitive jagoffs, trigger warning: Shut your stupid face…and let’s get cooking.
Summer was great. But let’s face it, four months of poor nutrition have turned you into an abomination. A few too many pops on the back porch, one too many hotdogs off the grill, a cookie-eating competition with your nephew that nearly resulted in a trip to the ER for a stomach-pumping — I’ve heard it all before. You’ve got some work to do. Buckle up, buttercup, it’s time to get your diet back on track.
It all boils down to one simple rule: you’re going to stop eating so many damn carbs. I know, I know. They’re delightful. I’m sure you all had the same experience I had this summer of going back to Manitoba for a weeklong visit and seeing Old Dutch chips being sold in boxes at a gas station and thinking, “Hot damn! I remember chips in boxes!” and before you knew it you were balls deep in a box of onion n’ garlic chips.
But bread is the biggest carb culprit. And given that pizza is bread topped with mostly bullshit, pizza is now officially off limits, lardo. You’re not 16 anymore. You can’t come home after school and eat an entire frozen pizza as a “snack” and not gain a pound. Carbs go straight to your old, blubbery ass. But wait?! Does that mean you can’t eat pizza anymore? No dummy. Read the title. We’re going to make pizza but we’re going to fool the shit out of Mother Nature (because she’s an imbecile). This is low carb pizza that actually tastes great. Don’t believe me? Go to hell.
If you’re still reading, well then let’s get to work.
Once you’ve added this super pizza to your diet, you’re going to be on the fast track towards being in the kind of shape it takes to score goals like this:
Let’s take another look at that goal:
Notice how I never quit on the play? I drove to the net like a champ. Not like a chump who’s stuffed with Chicago deep dish. One more time:
Okay, okay. Don’t be hatin’. It’s literally the only proof that I’ve actually scored a goal in organized hockey.
Enough dilly-dallying in the valley. Let’s get our fake pizza on.
First off: buy this stuff.
Notice we have a head of cauliflower front and centre. This will become our dough…don’t question me, prick. I know you’ve probably tried all the low carb pizza dough recipes. Zuccini pizza crust – crumbly horseshit. Spaghetti squash pizza crust – disintegrating dumpster fire. Hell, most cauliflower pizza crusts dissolve like cotton candy as soon as you take a bite. Well, my non-friends, this is a game changer. We’re about to change the low-carb pizza game. Shut up and follow my instructions to a T.
Take the cauliflower and cut it into florets. Hmmmm, florets is too dainty a word. Let’s call them “rugby ears.” Cut your cauliflower into rugby ears.
Now take your rugby ears and throw them into a food processor with the chopping blade. I recommend the Ninja Ultima System food processor. We’re always looking for sponsors here on The Smoked Meat Diaries, so let me pause for a moment to say how much I enjoy the Ninja Ultima System. Its sleek design and efficient chopping action make the Ninja Ultima System the best food processor on the market. It cuts through food like a ninja star slicing through the jugular vein of an unsuspecting enemy. Ninja!
Pulse the cauliflower until it has been chopped into a consistent pulp. Now you have to steam the pulp, asshole. Get a large pot and fill the bottom with about an inch of water. Heat it to a boil. Place a fine screen over the pot (I use a large bacon splatter screen). Put the cauliflower pulp on top of the screen and allow the pulp to steam for about 8 minutes.
While that’s steaming, take large bowl and beat an egg in it. Then add about two tablespoons of goat cheese.
Add a couple of pinches of oregano and a pinch of salt.
Now take the steamed cauliflower and place it in a clean dish towel. It’s going to be hot as balls. Just leave it there for about 10 minutes and stir it occasionally to help cool it down.
While it’s cooling, cut up your toppings.
First and foremost, you’re going to need some Halifax-style pepperoni. There are some purists out there who only eat the original Brothers pepperoni. Now I’ve had long debates with folks about which is the superior Halifax pep. But a colleague and I (we’re both scientists so we must be correct) decided that “Chris Brothers” pep is better than “Brothers” pep. Let’s not get into the whole sordid and confusing history of Brothers-based pepperoni but I’m sure we can all agree that if you’re eating any flavour other than TNT, you’re a giant tampon. To use the proper nomenclature of the Trailer Park Boys to measure units of pepperoni, you’ll need about one half to three-quarters of a cock of pepperoni.
Next, you’re going to need onions. Preferably, red onions. If you don’t like onions, we’ve been through this before. You’ll eat onions, and you’ll like them.
You need more meat on this thing. Grab some pork shoulder you smoked last week and cut it up into pieces. While you’re at it, cut up some red pepper, mince some garlic, and grate some mozza. Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.
Alright, your cauliflower pulp should be cool enough by now. Be careful, dipshit. If you haven’t waited long enough you’ll burn your hands (unless you’re my mom who, judging by how hot she makes the dishwashing water, can dip her hands in molten lava and not break a sweat).
Here’s the key part in the process. Twist up your dishtowel to squeeze out all of the moisture from the cauliflower. There will be a shit tonne of water. Squeeze. Squeeze you sonofabitch! And when you’re done squeezing, squeeze some more. Get out every last drop. The more water you eliminate, the better the crust stays together.
Now take the drained cauliflower and add it to the bowl with the egg and goat cheese. It should look like mashed potatoes. Mix it all together to form a dough.
Form into a ball and let it rest in the bowl for 5 hours to allow it to rise….I’m joking you dolt. It’s not real dough. What a dipshit you can be.
Okay, now you’re ready to cook the crust. Put a sheet of parchment paper (very important) over a pan and spread the “dough” into the shape of a pizza crust. Put it in the preheated oven for about 30 minutes.
While it’s cooking, take your weiners for a walk. THAT’S NOT A EUPHEMISM ASSHOLE!
The crust should be slightly browned and crispy on the edges. Take it out of the oven to add the toppings.
Put it back in the oven for about 10 minutes, until the cheese is melted.
Now here’s the advanced play that’s probably too advanced for you fools: once the cheese is melted, put it on broil for about 3 minutes and 37 seconds. That will crust up the cheese on top. One second too few and it’s a gooey mess. One second too many and it’s a burnt clusterfuck. As you can see below, I timed it perfectly.
Alright, you’re ready to dig in, even though you don’t really deserve it. Serve with a frosty brew (light beer, of course). One might argue that the cheese and beer kind of defeat the purpose of a low carb recipe, and I might argue that those people can eat shit.
Rating: Five Golden Goals out of Five.